Sunday, May 13, 2007

Welcome to my journey

Hello, and welcome to my new blog.

Not that anybody is keeping tabs, but this is blog #4 for me - and that's not counting my personal vanity web page, which will continue (even though I don't update it nearly as frequently as I should). As some of you know, I've been critical of the whole "blog thing" of late - I've largely stopped reading them, except for a couple of friends' blogs - and told myself I would only start another blog if it served a specific purpose.

So what's this blog all about? Well, I only have a vague idea right now. In some ways, I think it's going to be an evolution and maybe even a summation from my previous blogs - in particular, blogs #1 and #3. (For those who need a quick recap: Blog #1 was started around two years ago when I was in the midst of an emotionally painful split with a long-term partner. I used it as a forum to figure out my seemingly selfish motivations for leaving a loving and beautiful woman, to help unravel all the angst and confusion that was running through my head. It did help me through some difficult times, though I pulled the plug on it after 100 posts and nearly 40,000 words. I felt it had served its purpose and run its course. Blog #3 was created for the November blog challenge that called for a writing a blog post every day during the month of November. It touched on all kinds of issues and concerns, but it served largely as a writing exercise, to help instill some discipline in my writing habits. And even though I had hoped to continue posting when November ended, I didn't feel much of an impetus or lure, which is why that blog remained largely dormant.) I'm even riffing on the original title of my first blog (Procrastination Nation) in titling this site.

Without overstating things or being overly dramatic, I feel I'm at something of a crossroads in my life. There's a lot to be thankful for, no doubt. My job situation in particular is stable, secure and reasonably happy (which for much of my life wasn't the case) - I'm content with that part of my world. Moreover I have good friends and a fairly active social life (although sometimes I will rail at myself for not being more active, whether that's going to see more live music or indulging in other pleasures of the fine city I live in). In so many ways, I'm happy with my lot in life.

Yet (and there had to be a "yet"), there's also a sense of discontentment that I'm struggling with. It's not depression or acute loneliness (I was out with a friend last night who told me she suffers from "profound loneliness," which I thought was an interesting phrase). It's more of a lingering, low-grade melancholy that I can't seem to shake. While I don't want to rid myself entirely of my melancholic tendencies - they help to ground me, I think, and will always play a role in my internal life - I would like to figure out where those tendencies are coming from, or why they arise. I've also been struggling of late with issues of self esteem and confusion about the state of my emotional self-worth - I point to it as the root cause of the dissolution of a recent romance with someone I cared for (and still care for, in fact).

If I'm sounding a little "flighty" and new age-ish (and maybe even a little like an idiot), apologies. But don't doubt the sincerity of this desire to work through some of these issues. I feel the time is right to engage in a period of healthy self reflection. Writing has always helped me sort through issues - it provides some necessary clarity and direction - and that's why I've launched this blog venture. Some of you, to be sure, will be bored silly by my mental meanderings. Others might find it interesting to see someone slice and dice through some personal shit. I promise not to get too self indulgent and self absorbed.

In my next post, I'm going to write about Liz Gilbert's Eat, Pray and Love, which is one of the reasons why I decided to start this new blog. Stay tuned. Hope I haven't lost too many of you yet...

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